Years have gone by since I’ve first decided I wanted to write this to you. Understanding a first love is difficult and heart-wrenching for all of us. I’ve been staring at a blank screen for days, trying to find the right words. Since the end of 2011, I’ve wanted to write a letter to you, my first love. You’re the first person I had fully given my heart to, the first person I could ever see a future with, and the first person I gave myself to. You were in my life for two years and two months, and for a girl in high school trying to find out who she was and who she was going to be, I’m glad I had you by my side along the way.
Our story, like any other story, has a beginning, a middle and an end. Our beginning was one that I will never forget. I remember walking with my friends out of the music hallway, and then out of nowhere I heard you say my name. I turned around and you said that you needed to talk to me. It ended with me giddily giving you my number, and a few days later, you asked me out on a date. I was ecstatic. I remember you pulling into my driveway. I remember you meeting my parents and promising them that you’d have me home safe and not too late. We got into your little Saturn and made our way to the movies. We had held hands the entire time, tracing our fingers back and forth over each other’s. I remember you asking me if I had a great time, and when I said yes, you asked if I wanted to have more great nights just this. In that moment, you claimed me as yours, and I claimed you as mine.
Our middle has good and bad memories, but somehow over time the bad ones always seems to fade. I don’t remember the fights that we had or any of the bad things we said to each other as high school relationships go, but I do remember the things that made my heart beat right out of my chest. I remember the weekend we spent at your aunt’s house in Belmar, New Jersey. I’ll never forget the night walk we took on the beach and the glowing jellyfish that swirled around in the waves. I remember our trips to Longwood Gardens in the winter when there would be tens of thousands of Christmas lights spread throughout the gardens. I remember when you asked me to your senior prom and as we danced, everyone else in the room became non-existent. I remember when you gave me a promise ring and we promised that we’d be each other’s forever. I remember covering your car in post-it notes. I remember when you used to come over and we would cram onto my twin sized bed and cuddle while watching pointless videos on YouTube for hours. But, the day that I remember most is when my great-grandfather told you that he hoped you’d be part of the family one day. There are so many more memories that still rest in the back of my mind, but I have decided to keep those memories to myself. That’s the only way any of us can go on after experiencing something so raw and moving as a first love.
Our end is something that I never thought would come. Our end, was something that I still have yet to completely get over. A part of me wishes that we would have met later in life when we both were more prepared for a serious relationship. But, a small, tiny part of me is happy with what we did have. I wish I could be there seeing you live your dreams, the ones you always used to share with me. I couldn’t be any more happy for you. I wish I could have been there for you when your dad passed away. I knew how much you always wanted to make him happy and how much you wanted him to see you succeed. I wish I could have been there. Sometimes I wish we’ll meet again and be able to start over, now that we both have matured and have a better idea of what is involved in a serious relationship. But, if that day never comes, I wish that the girl you end up loving knows that your favorite color is blue, your favorite band is Yellowcard (or it used to be), the only “vegetables” you’ll really eat are corn and potatoes, and you had the absolute best dogs ever. Mostly I hope she’s able to realize that you are probably the best thing that she will ever have in her life.
Even to this day, you still wish me a happy birthday every year. We have a short conversation that breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces all over again, and for the briefest moment, it almost feels as if we are together again. But we aren’t, and the ending always reminds me of that painful fact.
I wish that I can one day find a guy that looks at me the same way you used to, protects me like you used to, defends me the way you did, and motivates me the way you used to. I need a guy that supports my dreams and pushes me to complete them like you used to and loves my family just as much as he loves his own. I need to meet a guy will make the painful memory of us not being together go away. I need someone that I can one day see a realistic future with, like what I used to see with you.
To me, you will always be the first guy that stole my heart and kept it. You will always have a special place in my heart. If after five years of not being together and I can still remember every detail of our relationship, I’m sure that you’ll stay in my heart forever. Meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Watching you walk out of my life doesn’t make me bitter, but instead I am grateful that I had you in it in the first place. You were kind, honest, protective and loving. You were a gentleman, and my hero, but more than that you were the first person I ever truly loved and trusted with my heart.
Maybe one day I’ll find the happiness that you have. I always have and always will wish you all of the happiness in the world. I hope that you are happy with how your life is going and with what you have already accomplished. Even though you may not want to hear it, I want you to know that you’ll always be a part of me. All that matters now is all of the wonderful memories and adventures that I once got to share with you. You will always have a special place in my heart, one that I’ll carry with me forever, and that no one will ever be able to replace.
As we always used to say,
“See you soon then”.