You’ve read the romance novels. You’ve watched the gushy movies with horrific acting with incredibly attractive people that make you cry when they achieve true love. You’ve also found a few loves and made a few stories of your own. However, none of those kisses were ever quite as hot as a big, tantalizing, delicious, smoking hot . . . cup of coffee.
Coffee was there for you from day one. It was there for you on the cold and snowy mornings you barely had the will to live. It was there to get you through the long nights of cramming for midterms you should have prepared for weeks prior. It livened your eyes at those first few internship meetings. It reminded you that you were a rockstar, even at 6 a.m. on Mondays. It was your daily pep talk. It got you through the bad times, accompanied you through the good times. Served as your motivator, confidant, and partner. What more could you ask for?
Coffee is patient, coffee is kind. Coffee never fails.
1. You’ve been drinking coffee for like, well, ever.
People are often saying they didn’t start drinking coffee until college or having kids and at that moment you just recall you brewing a pot at like age 12. Amateurs. You’ve loved coffee since Day One. You probably had coffee in a sippy cup at some point, honestly.
2. You reconsider your attraction for someone if they tell you they don’t drink coffee.
It’s not you, it’s me. Well actually it is you, and the fact that you are getting in between me and coffee . . . seriously, how can you trust a non coffee-drinker?
3. You have a mug collection massive enough to put an old lady’s doll stash to shame.
You need a mug for every season, occasion, stage of life, and the list goes on. Travel mugs, big mugs, dainty mugs, mugs with witty sayings on them . . . no boundaries.
4. You can drink coffee at any time of the day. You do not discriminate.
Some people say a cup of coffee too late in the day makes it hard to fall asleep and you’re all like, “HA. I’m immune to that shit.”
5. You have the strangest preferences at times.
But ultimately your passion for coffee does not waver in times of desperation, so you will drink whatever they hand you.
6. Everyone around you has already memorized the kind of coffee you enjoy at this point.
They don’t even have to ask if you want it, because obviously the answer is yes.
7. People know free coffee is the way to achieve your attendance to any dreaded event.
Any event can be warmed up by a little caffeine.
8. If you don’t have coffee for some horrific reason, you are nearly unrecognizable to those around you.
The withdrawal is real. The side effects are downright dangerous. Beware, world. Beware.
9. You could probably recite fifty different coffee flavors at any particular time.
You’re like a cafe-encyclopedia.
10. You own a few nerdy signs in your kitchen that say some sort of witty saying about coffee and reassure you of your life-long companion.
Clearly, people need to know what you stand for when they enter your kitchen.
11. You would have to work Tuesday to Friday if coffee didn’t exist.
12. Your significant other has figured out to use coffee as a tool for motivating you to become active, and knows not to cross you without it.
You two have a deep understanding of the circumstances of conversation.
13. You don’t understand how some people say coffee make them feel sick, because it makes you feel downright invincible.
Excuse me while I take over the world right after this next cup.
14. You know those weird people that say they would like coffee later in the night when everyone is enjoying dessert? Yeah you’re one of those people for sure.
Keep it coming folks, keep it coming.
15. It doesn’t matter how pitifully low your grocery budget becomes, you know one thing will never be left out.
You can’t put a price on true love.
16. When the doctor asks you at a routine check-up about your caffeine consumption, you always have to lie a little bit not to sound like you need to be sent to coffee rehab.
“Can you rate your caffeine intake on a scale from 1-10?” Uh, our definition of 10 may be a little different . . .
17. You instantly get along with people who share your same beverage affinity.
Coffee run anyone? God, I love you guys.
17. You’ve had a few major mishaps with spills.
Every relationship has its ups and downs, you have learned the power of forgiveness . . . and Tide To Go pens.
18. You know deep down that many lovers may come and go, but coffee is forever, damnit.
Coffee is forever.