This story is a part of The First Impression Prose, a weekly column by Paul Centopani. Each Tuesday, he hilariously breaks down the latest episode of the addicting and outlandish guilty pleasure that is the Bachelor franchise. Stay tuned for weekly updates and more trending content in entertainment.

Week five cannonballed straight into the deep end of the house’s turmoil. The agitation took center stage as the OGs versus the new girls storyline reached a breaking point. The tension grew palpable and nobody was having fun. 

The atmosphere could only be described in one word:

Matt knew he had to uproot the troublemakers so he swiftly laid down the law. He pulled Anna aside and she stumbled upon the revelation that actions have repercussions. Matt gave her the boot for spreading the rumor about Brittany being a dime-store harlot. 

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Once everyone saw what transpired, the mean girls started walking back any nasty comments. Queen Victoria, ever-jovial and gregarious, wants everyone to know all her quips were merely jokes and never done with malicious intent.

Matt sat her down privately to get to the truth of the matter. 

M: Ryan said you called her a ho.

V: That was taken out of context.

M: What context would that be okay in?

V: *stares blankly for five seconds*

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Homegirl was NOT ready for a follow-up question there. Victoria stormed off, going through all five stages of grief before declaring that if Matt didn’t believe every word she said, then he’s not the one for her.

That’s right, Vic, YOU’RE breaking up with HIM.

This all led to a level of suspense for the rose ceremony usually reserved for later episodes. Matt gave all the new women (that he kept this week) the first roses to really send the message and diffuse any remaining division. 

Catalina, Lauren, Mari, and Victoria were the ones left standing when the music stopped. Naturally, Victoria makes a scene on her way out and proclaims to never date another Matt as long as she lives. That’s fair I guess. I mean, who hasn’t avoided dating someone because they share the name of an ex?

Victoria, I hate who you are on a granular level but I’ll miss the content you provided. 

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Once the dark clouds cleared, it’s time for the first one-on-one. Rachael got the nod and goes on the always-awkward and semi-uncomfortable shopping spree date.

Matt meets her outside of the store, dressed like this and confirms nobody ever hated anything more than he hates a chilly neck. After hours of being draped in couture, Matt slipped some Louboutins on Rach and whisked her away in a horse-drawn carriage like boujee Cinderella.

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They both end the night by telling each other they’re starting to fall in love. 

The group date takes us to a farm where the women reluctantly muck horse stalls and milk goats. ABC loosely tethers this to the hard work needed for a successful marriage.

Despite the attempt to keep it light, everyone got sad after simultaneously realizing they’re all dating the same guy. One of these seasons the contestants will grasp that’s the entire concept of the show. 

After getting cleaned up for the cocktail portion of the evening, Matt came in looking like Grimace wearing a fuzzy (and what looked like an incredibly itchy) purple sweater. Abigail opens up and her vulnerability not only wins her the group date rose but a bigger piece of our hearts. 

The second solo date went to young Kit. She got the privilege of being the first contestant brought to Matt’s posh accommodations. He even tidied up beforehand and I appreciate someone who will Swiffer dust their console table before having company. They bake cookies and Kit reveals growing up with a famous fashion designer mother (Cynthia Rowley) made it hard for her to fall in love.

It could also be because she’s, like, 12 years-old.

She gets the rose and they seem to have decent chemistry. 

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If you thought the drama was over, then you haven’t been paying attention. A knock on the door delivers a surprise showdown between Jessenia and MJ. Anytime somebody questioned her character, MJ — the last remaining antagonist — declares she “leads by example” and “preaches harmony and peace.”

So apparently, she’s a youth minister. 

While neither of her very rehearsed lines is remotely apt or accurate, she blessed us with “big hair, big hoops, big energy.”

Maybe those will be enough to score her that 2-on-1 rose next week. 


Follow Paul on Twitter: @PCentopani

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