Every day I wonder why I am the way that I am and it’s because of you.
The constant struggles, and the living in fear of what happens next come from you. The fear that all the people around me will one day realize that I’m not the fun-loving 19-year-old woman that I let others believe that I am haunts me. What most people don’t understand is that I cannot control you.
Nobody quite understands what it’s like to look at yourself in the mirror and not even recognize the reflection. Sometimes, all I see is a stranger. The only reflection looking back at me is you. The fear, the doubt and the worry; all of those feelings stare back at me begging for peace. They’re begging for that weight to finally be lifted. The want, and the need for that peace is almost enough for me to find the strength, the strength that has been buried so far within my soul that I had forgotten it was there.
I want you to give me that strength back. No, I want to take it back. You’ve had control of me for far too long. You made me feel hopeless. You made me feel so much pain. I need you to let me live my life at ease. I can’t go on living like this anymore. Something has to change, and it will.
The people I love, they notice. The people around me, they see it. Strangers walking past me can feel the distress you cause me. They can see it written all over my face. They can see it in my actions and the way I carry myself. I need to be able to show them that I’m not this weak. I need to show myself that you do not control me. You can’t make me live my life in such a disappointing way. You can’t take from me what I know I deserve.
I deserve to be free—-free from these chains you put me in, free from your mindless chatter inside my head and free from the useless worries you filter into my mind. The constant dwelling that eats away at my soul can no longer exist.
I deserve more from this life. I deserve to have the right to live the way I know I’m capable of. I deserve the right to feel like I’m in control of my life, not you. I’m a strong woman. It feels like I have lived through an endless struggle dealing with you. But maybe, just maybe, that’s exactly what makes me a strong woman.
Maybe overcoming you will be what makes me the strongest I’ve ever been.
I am going to conquer you. I will beat you. You do not define me, anxious mind, and you will not be my story.
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